


Stage Kiss

by UnusuallyNormal



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Realism, i fear there are minor continuity issues throughout this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 03:44:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4206720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnusuallyNormal/pseuds/UnusuallyNormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He's gotten tanner</i>. That's Kaneki's only thought before he throws himself at his best friend, tucking his smile against a freckled shoulder. He inhales, and smells ocean salt mixed with Hide's familiar scent.</p><p>alt: hide and kaneki make out for five hours</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stage Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after they've finished their second-to-last year of high school, during the summer before their final year

_The hands of the clock have long since swung past midnight, but the bedroom's occupant still sits up in bed, legs extended in front of him illuminated by the small glow of the desk lamp, his face in shadow. He cradles the phone to his ear like it's something precious._

“ _Not long now,” the voice on the other end says, giddy with barely expressed excitement. “When are you getting in? I wanna be there.”_

“ _Oh, you don't have to come!” the boy whispers back, keeping his voice low so as not to awaken his sister asleep in the next room._

“ _Shut up, I want to. What time?”_

“ _Four in the afternoon your time, if I'm not delayed. But won't you be busy then?”_

“ _Nah – well, not after I call and cancel.”_

“ _Hide! Don't cancel your plans for me!”_

“ _I'm gonna, and you can't stop me. Hey, isn't it, like, late there? You should be sleeping – and plus, you've been on longer than half an hour.”_

_The boy sighs. “Yeah, I should sleep,” he says regretfully. Long-distance calls eat up the phone bill. He'd use his cell, but his mom refused to let him take that financial burden onto himself, so he was limited instead to a half hour, once a week, on the family phone. “But I'll see you – soon.” He swallows, his fingers tightening around the base of the phone._

“ _Yeah, soon,” comes his best friend's voice. “It'll be really good to see you again, Kaneki.” Hide's voice takes on a joking tone. “Oh, you're going to get so sick of me when you get back.”_

“ _I look forward to it,” Kaneki grins._

 

* * *

 

 _He's gotten tanner_. That's Kaneki's only thought before he throws himself at his best friend, tucking his smile against a freckled shoulder. He inhales, and smells ocean salt mixed with Hide's familiar scent. That's right, he'd been vacationing along the coast with his family the week previous. Clearly, he's carried some of it home with him.

“I think you grew,” comes Hide's voice, muffled by Kaneki's hair.

The two boys haven't seen each other in more than a year. Kaneki had been living, of all places, in America – as an exchange student. It was a great year, _really_ , but right now Kaneki is only glad to be home: he's been in transit for far too long. At 5 o'clock that morning (which, here in Tokyo, is closer to yesterday morning) Kaneki's host parents had seen him off from their home in America. Since then he has been either on a train or a plane or in an airport.

Kaneki and Hide loosen their tight embrace just enough to look each other in the face. “Yep,” Hide grins, “definitely grew. You're almost as tall as me now.”

“Finally,” Kaneki replies, unable to do anything but smile. The phrase _a sight for sore eyes_ comes to mind. That's just how this feels – like it hurt a little, all that time looking at things that weren't Hide, and now that hurt is gone. “How was the beach?”

“Awesome,” Hide says. “How was _America?!_ ”

A broad question, with a broader answer. He knows Hide isn't asking for all of it now, so he just says, “I'm happy to be home.”

Hide beams. Oh, Kaneki has missed that smile.

The train buffets them as it thunders out of the station, people crowding around them left and right, but they're not quite ready to let go of each other yet. A few passers by cast glances at the two friends, but most keep their gazes politely averted, not wanting to intrude on private business. Kaneki, for once, doesn't mind the public display of emotion. It's so nice to feel Hide, warm and solid in his arms – and besides, Hide is something to lean on. It may be early afternoon in Tokyo, but Kaneki has been awake for over 17 hours, and on very little sleep at that.

“Hey,” Hide says, bringing a hand to Kaneki's face and thumbing at his cheek. “You've got a red spot there.”

“Oh, uh –” Kaneki ducks his head and flushes, wiping at the spot. “Lipstick. I thought I'd gotten it all.”

“ _Lipstick?!_ ” Hide whistles, backing up a step and looking at Kaneki admiringly. “You crazy kid, you told me you hadn't gotten an American girlfriend!”

“It was from the going-away party last night,” Kaneki admits. “I think it's from Kevin.”

Hide pauses for a moment to take that in. Then he whistles again, and laughs loudly. “America sounds _crazy_ ,” he says, with a shake of his head. There's a bit of a forced quality to his laugh, Kaneki notices, a bit of uncertainty. One year is a long time to be apart from someone, after all, and there's no telling how each of them could have changed. Kaneki knows this.

Tactfully, he pretends ignorance of the awkwardness, just saying, “It was, a bit.” He reaches for the handle of his suitcase. “Sometimes _too_ crazy for me. It really is nice to be back.”

“It's good to have you,” Hide says, grinning again. “Back. That is.”

Kaneki can see Hide wants to step forward again, and he shuffles his feet, lifting his arms – but Hide just decides on gripping his hands briefly. “We ought to get out of here,” he says. “We can talk more later, but we're blocking the way.”

As they begin to fight their way out through the crowds, another train blows through, loud enough to effectively cut off all conversation. That doesn't stop Hide from trying.

“Did you know you have an accent now?” he shouts on the stairs, glancing over his shoulder at Kaneki struggling with his suitcase.

“What?” Kaneki calls back. Hide pauses, realizing Kaneki can't keep up at this pace. He hurries back and reaches for the suitcase handle, to take the weight straining Kaneki's shoulder. “Oh, thanks!” Kaneki says, surprised.

“I got it,” Hide reassures him, poking Kaneki's hand aside to manhandle the suitcase up the stairs. The train below has come to a stop, making it easier to hear again. “I said, do you know you've got an accent? It wasn't really noticeable over the phone, but you've got like a teeny tiny one.”

“Oh really?” Kaneki says. Japanese had started feeling strange in his mouth about three months in, about the time when he'd started to have dreams in English, but the words were mostly still there when he needed them. He can't tell if he's speaking any differently from before. “It's funny, I have an accent when I speak English, too.”

“Soooo, hot singles will think you're sexy in both languages,” Hide surmises.

“Ha _ha_ …” Kaneki rolls his eyes. “Americans don't think this kind of accent is sexy, though. I think it's a myth.”

“Aw, what?” Hide gripes, snapping his fingers. “Damn! There goes that plan. Now I'm never getting a date.”

“Too bad,” Kaneki says, making his insincerity clear.

“Shut up. It's not like _you've_ kissed anyone.”

“The lipstick marks beg to differ.”

“Oh, from _Kevin?_ ” Hide laughs, dismissive.

“You talk like kissing a guy doesn't count somehow,” Kaneki objects, frowning.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Hide corrects himself. “Well, it still only counts if he's gay. Was he gay?”

Kaneki looks over at Hide, lifting an eyebrow. “Oh, _n_ _o_ ,” he says. “Of _course_ not.”

They've reached the street now, and again their conversation breaks off. Kaneki pauses for a moment, taking in the sights. It's Tokyo. It's his city. Nostalgia grips him as he looks at the cramped buildings, squeezed so much by their surroundings they look like they'd been forced upward into the sky, so tall they cast wide shadows on the street even at this time on a summer afternoon. “Missed this?” Hide asks, his face softening fondly as he watches Kaneki.

“Yeah,” Kaneki says, turning to look back at Hide, a little surprised when the sight-for-sore-eyes feeling hits him all over again. He finds himself reassured by the familiarity of Hide's face, the warmth of his brown eyes and the crookedness of his smile, still the same despite the year they'd spent apart. There are a few differences, of course – the darkness of his skin, the faint freckles on his nose standing out more sharply, the way he wears his hair just so slightly longer.

“So, where to now?” Hide asks, nudging his arm. Kaneki pulls himself out of his thoughts and shrugs.

“I suppose … I should call and tell my aunt I'm back,” he says doubtfully. “It would be rude to just show up at – her house.”

He can't call it home. Already, he's dreading seeing those people again. His American parents might have had no relation to him by blood, but he thinks them much more his family than his aunt and cousin ever would be.

“Wait, shit, she doesn't _know_ you're coming?” Hide asks, surprised. After they're nearly tripped over by a suited businesswoman speed-walking out of the airport, they pick a direction at random and begin to walk, Hide rolling the suitcase behind him. “I just thought she didn't come to meet you at the station because she's an asshole.”

Last year, Kaneki might have objected to that. This year, he doesn't care what Hide calls her. “No, I don't think she even knows what day I'm supposed to be getting in,” he admits. “I haven't spoken to her in – well, two weeks, but that was the first time all year and we didn't get into specifics. She could probably check the paperwork, but I doubt she cares.”

His tone is so blunt, so dismissive, that Hide does double take. “ _Well_ ,” he says, giving Kaneki an impressed nod. “You've finally figured out she sucks, huh?”

Kaneki presses his lips together. “She's not –” he begins, out of habit, but then he shakes his head. “No, she _is_ that bad. I thought she was being kind for taking me in, because I'm a burden and she took me anyway, but my family in America didn't even _know_ me and they – well, they were better.”

Hide's nose wrinkles, and his whole face screws up with it. “Man, you know, it's not like – it's not like this is news, but I _hate_ it. Look at my face.” He draws circles in the air in front of his eyes. “See this righteous anger? That's for you.”

“Thanks.” Kaneki smiles, a little. Hide hears him draw a breath, and then exhale slowly, tilting his chin to look up at the buildings. The wind takes his hair and teases it away from his face, up, leaving his forehead clear, and Hide finds himself unable to look away. “I don't want to see her,” Kaneki admits. “I don't know if I can face going back there again, after …” After seeing what it's like, in a different family.

Hide scratches his chin. “I wish I could ...” An idea occurs, and he weighs it for a second, then mentally shrugs. _Why not?_ “Wait. What if you didn't have to go back right away?” he says. “I know delaying things won't do too much in the long run, but right now you must be exhausted, and I know it would be hard enough to face them when you're feeling alert.”

As if on cue, Kaneki is overtaken by a yawn. “I shouldn't sleep until it's nighttime …” he remarks. It's a bit of an aside, but he's tired. “I want to adjust to the time change as soon as possible.”

“Do you want to come back to my house?” Hide asks, pushing him gently back to the original subject. “We can put these bags down and I'll try and keep you awake until – well, I should ask first if you can stay the night, but Mom will probably say yes.”

A rush of gratitude fills Kaneki. “That sounds perfect,” he says, putting his hand to his forehead. “You're really ...”

“Really damn amazing, I know,” Hide fills in. It's an old kind of familiarity in his grin when he turns it on Kaneki, and Kaneki smiles back the same way he always has.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki is different now, and Hide can't put his finger on _how_.

It's bugging him. Because his mannerisms are all the same, his voice – except for that kind of _really cute_ accent – his face, even his hair. No, the difference is more subtle than that. Behind his eyes … Hide chews his lip pensively. Maybe it's confidence? He does have more confidence, to be sure. He actually _talks_ , now. And Hide remembers the way he'd dismissed his aunt, sharply and easily – like he's used to it. He's certainly glad Kaneki seems to have realized what a bad influence she's had on his life. Hasn't Hide been hinting ( _strongly_ ) at that for years?

 _Collected_. Yes, that's a good word for how he is now. Collected. Hide leans back on his bed and stretches, taking the weight off his elbows. Even with the window open, the summer heat is seeping inside, making the skin under his clothes feel warm. He lifts the hem of his shirt, flapping it a few times to move the air around against his skin. Kaneki is more _collected_ now – he carries with him a quiet kind of surety, a self-possession he hadn't had before. His eyes no longer slide away when he looks at the world.

Speaking of Kaneki – Hide hears the shower water shut off. A few moments later, the bathroom door down the hall creaks open.

The sunlight streaming in from the window onto a square on Hide's floor has begun to burn the side of his face. He cups his hand to shield his eyes, and twists away from the window toward the open door just as Kaneki enters the frame.

Kaneki is naked except for a towel. He sees Hide looking, and freezes, flushing. Hide stares. Then, being an excellent friend, he decides that the most appropriate thing to do at this point is to wolf whistle. “All _riiiight_ ,” he drawls.

Kaneki makes an embarrassed noise and hides his face, quickly making his way over to his luggage. “I forgot to get clothes out,” he protests. “Don't objectify me …”

“ _Da_ -amn, America man,” Hide teases, blatantly ignoring him. “Come over here and gimme some of that booh-tay.”

“ _Please_ don't speak like that,” Kaneki says. He finds his clothes and tucks them under his arm, then grasps quickly at the slipping towel, catching it just in time.

“Aww,” Hide says, fake pout broken by his impertinent grin. “I almost got to see something good.”

“Hide, you're being embarrassing ...”

“And you're flaunting your hotness in my _face_ , what did you expect?”

Kaneki, already blushing, turns an even deeper red. “Oh my God, Hide.”

Hide double-pistols at him and winks. Kaneki screws up his face and turns away, stepping as quickly as he can without running back to the bathroom. Hide's eyes cling to the curve of his spine for a moment, admiring – and then he's gone, and Hide's left with an empty smirk on his face and a strange feeling stirring in the pit of his stomach.

That had been weird. Which, coming from the one who was _acting_ weird, is an odd thing to say, but that's how it is. Neither Hide nor Kaneki is straight, and each of them knows this about the other, and it isn't an uncommon thing for them to flirt playfully – well, for Hide to flirt at Kaneki, who's usually too embarrassed to respond – but this time there was a … an _intent_ behind Hide's flirtations that hadn't been there before. Hide hadn't intended for there to be intent and it's putting him off and frankly he doesn't want to be thinking about this anymore.

His cheeks are a bit warm and he presses his palms against them to cool himself. It's _soooo_ hot. Tonight he'll probably just sleep on top of the bed. Maybe take his shirt off … no, wait, Kaneki will probably still be here, that would be weird … But, why would it be weird? They've always been comfortable with each other – within _reason_ , of course, and wasn't going shirtless something a lot of guys did in public? Hide can't remember now if that was something he and Kaneki had ever done around each other, before Kaneki left.

He's chewing his lip again. He stops himself with conscious effort.

Just as he's turned over onto his stomach, in an effort to find a position that will give him some relief from the heat, he hears footsteps again. “Ayyy, you decent?” he asks, face pressed into his bedsheets.

“Ye–” comes Kaneki's voice, but a yawn interrupts. Hide pushes himself up onto his forearms and regards his friend with a bit of amusement.

“It's, like, five,” he says. “Gonna fall asleep on me already?”

“No … I shouldn't,” Kaneki says tiredly. “Or I'll be up really early. But –” Another yawn takes over.

“Come lie down,” Hide suggests, scooting over. Like the fantastic host he is, Hide hasn't laid out a mattress for Kaneki yet, so the lying will have to be on his own bed. “Chill for a bit. I'll keep you awake.”

Kaneki gazes at him, and for some reason, his cheeks turn a little pink. “Really? You don't mind?” he asks.

Hide snorts. “Of course not.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Come cuddle me.”

Kaneki starts forward, stops, then crosses the rest of the distance in two quick steps. “You're embarrassing,” he mutters, climbing up next to Hide. And oh right, it's super hot out today, probably too hot for much proximity. Whatever. Hide will just have to sweat through it. “I think I might pass out,” Kaneki mumbles, turning onto his side to face Hide, but letting his eyelids slide shut. “Don't let me do that.”

“Oh, don't worry,” Hide says confidently, mirroring his position. “I could talk your ear off for _hours_. It's been a long damn year!”

“Miss me?” Kaneki asks without opening his eyes. He wears a tiny smile.

“Haha, of course,” Hide says, giving his shoulder a push. “Don't get me wrong, I love my other friends, but you're my favorite.”

“Why, Hide, how sweet,” Kaneki says, but his smile grows wider.

“Am I your favorite, too?” Hide asks, shaking the shoulder back and forth. “Or did you replace me with some _American_? Don't you dare say you replaced me with some American! I'm your fave, right?”

“Always,” Kaneki says, with a little laugh. “Honestly, do I need to say it?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Hide says.

Kaneki cracks his eyes open. “Are you that insecure?” There's teasing in his voice, but also a note of real concern.

Hide glares at him. “You come back from America with lipstick on your face looking like you've had the time of your life,” he says. “Don't blame me for wondering if you might prefer _them_ after all!”

“Oh.” Kaneki sighs a small sigh. Hide can feel it on his face. The air is cool. “Really, no,” Kaneki says. “I mean, I liked them a lot, don't get me wrong. It was the first time … the first time I've ever really felt comfortable almost everywhere I went. School, home … My family was very nice, and the people at school were friendlier than I expected, and I made a lot of friends. But …”

“But all this time, your heart still belonged in Japan?” Hide supplies, passing the back of his hand dramatically across his forehead.

“Shut up, I'm trying to be serious,” Kaneki says, flicking him in the arm. “It's that … It was only a year. And everyone there, they were nice to me, but they'd known each other a lot longer than they knew me. I felt … I felt like I'd been transplanted, and it took me a long time to feel solidly rooted – I had to learn the language, and people's names, and what life was _like_ – and it took a few months for that to happen, so after _that_ , I had even _less_ time.”

“So you're saying you felt like an outsider there?” Hide says. “Damn. You sounded like you were doing fine on the phone, though.”

“It wasn't …” Kaneki frowns. “How to put this? America was fun, and my friends made me feel very welcome, and I really liked it there. It's just – I guess, this is where I belong. All the things I've known all my life are here. Books – I read some English books while I was over there, but Japanese is the language that I love best, and I'll be glad to catch up on the new publications I missed while I was gone. And … there's you, too.” Kaneki's eyes slide away from Hide's, and he picks at a loose thread on the bedsheets absentmindedly. “Well, I already told you how much I missed you. I might not have a family that cares about me in Japan, but right _here_ – it's my home.”

It sounded, for a second, like he was saying _here_ here. With Hide, here. But of course, he can't possibly mean that. Hide pushes aside the thought, along with a strange feeling he doesn't want to name that has arisen at Kaneki's declaration. “Aww, I wuv you too, my bestest bro,” Hide says too loudly, squishing Kaneki's face between his hands.

“'m never tellin' you annnthing again,” Kaneki grumbles, lips pinched together.

For a second, Hide fights the urge to stroke his cheek.

_What …?_

Okay, that's pretty weird. Hide lets go quickly, and flops over onto his back. “Alright, I'm satisfied!” he announces. “My place in the world is secure once again.”

“Good,” Kaneki says, rubbing his face and giving Hide a baleful stare.

Hide is fanning at his face absentmindedly, trying to get up a breeze. “You know what? It's too hot in here!” he announces suddenly. If he sounds too enthusiastic about the complaint, it's because he's trying to change the subject quickly. “Mom never turns on the goddamn air conditioning! Why won't she turn on the goddamn air conditioning?”

“It _is_ pretty hot,” Kaneki agrees, rolling onto his stomach. “Mmm.”

“Hey, don't you go to sleep on me,” Hide reaches for him, hand landing on the back of Kaneki's head, but once it's there he realizes he doesn't exactly know what to do with it and so he ends up just kind of touching Kaneki's hair. “You're not allowed, and besides, you have to tell me about your friends! The people you met, in America! Kevin and Ashley and Theresa and the other ones you talked about.”

“Oh yeah …” Kaneki's voice trails off in a tired mumble. He lets his forehead rest on the covers for a second, then tips his chin up to rest on his forearm. “So, you remember, there was Kevin and Theresa and Henry … Ashley wasn't part of the main group I hung out with, I just knew her from theater.”

“Oh right, theater. You were in that play. How'd it go, anyway? You got a good role, right?” Hide sounds impressed, he hears it in his own voice – but he also hears a note of wistfulness, maybe even _jealousy_? He hadn't meant for _that_ to be there. Especially not now that Kaneki has reassured him so completely of the solidity of their friendship.

Kaneki looks self-conscious. “I think it was because I was new,” he says. “I only had one year, so they wanted to give me a good part. And it's easier for guys to get roles than girls, apparently. Lots more girls tried out than guys.”

“You're selling yourself short, man,” Hide says, with confidence. He's always had this vague conviction that Kaneki would be a good actor, ever since that production they were in together in elementary school. “People must've loved you.”

“They complimented my English,” Kaneki says, wrinkling his nose.

“Your English is _good_.”

“I know, but I got sick of hearing that after a while,” Kaneki says.

Hide goes quiet, imagining Kaneki performing. He isn't familiar with the play, but he can imagine the scene – Kaneki, dressed in old-fashioned clothes, lit by stage lighting. Kaneki, speaking his lines in his accented English. Kaneki, the center of attention. Girls in the audience cooing over him – no matter what he says, Hide bets they'd liked him. Hide feels another pang. Is it envy? Does he really feel like he's being left behind by his best friend? A very strange feeling is turning over in Hide's stomach. He can't place it. It's almost _giddy_. “Hey, I wanna hear you try speaking it,” Hide says. “Now that you've been away, I bet you sound just like our teacher.”

“What, speaking English?” Kaneki says.

“Yeah, that,” Hide says. He smirks. “Talk English to me.”

Hide had been just a little better at English than Kaneki before Kaneki left for the year. Now, of course, Kaneki can speak it nearly perfectly. He thinks for a moment, sitting up and rubbing his mouth, then speaks.

“You got fast!” Hide remarks when he's finished, pleased. “That was … 'Tokyo is beautiful –' and then I didn't understand that second thing you said.”

“Tokyo is beautiful in the summer, but it's too hot,” Kaneki translates.

“Oh. Hear, hear.” Hide flaps his hand at his face exaggeratedly. “But, that was cool! You should say something else. Say, 'Hide is the best.' No –!” A better idea occurs. “Say your lines from the play!”

Kaneki gives him an unenthusiastic look. “ _All_ of them?” he asks tiredly.

“Well, do a scene, or something. I'll be the girl. Is there a girl? If there's a girl –”

“There's a girl,” Kaneki mumbles.

“ _Aah_! Did your character get with her, or …?” Hide presses. This information somehow seems important, although he doesn't know why.

“Y… es …”

“Oooo _ooooo!_ ” Hide hoots, that distinctive kind of _ooo_ with the upward lilt at the end. You know the one. “Did ya kiss her?”

Kaneki looks pained. “All right, you can shut _up_ ,” he says. “You win. I'll do my lines.” He pushes himself off the bed, stretching and cracking limbs. “ _And_ you can be the girl.” Hide scrambles after him.

“Alright!” he cheers.

Kaneki explains the setup of the scene, directing Hide to sit on his desk chair. Kaneki's character is a romantic one, a noble boy on a quest to find himself. Hide – the girl – is apparently supposed to “represent love.” Hide watches with interest as Kaneki positions himself in the center of the room. His posture stills. His face calms. When he opens his eyes, he's still Kaneki, but he's a bit of someone else, too.

Kaneki says his lines, and translates. Hide nods along, fascinated, and makes up some lines for the girl to say that have Kaneki laughing, breaking character. And he definitely _has_ a character, defined subtly by the changes in his movements, his posture, the tilt of his head. Inside Hide's room, Kaneki creates the brief illusion of standing inside a twilit barn – it's not that Hide sees it, but that Kaneki convinces him _he_ does.

“... And then that's when we're supposed to kiss,” Kaneki says, heat rising to his face. “I mean, _they're_ supposed to.”

Hide's jaw drops. “You _kissed_ me?!” he exclaims. “I mean, her? You really did?”

“It was a stage kiss.” Kaneki looks profoundly uncomfortable. “We didn't _really_ …”

“So you, like, kissed the air or something?” Hide asks.

“No, it was more realistic-looking than _that_.”

Hide feels like he's on the edge of something dangerous. He feels it in the way his pulse begins to throb in his ears. In the way his emotions are rising within him, making rational thought difficult. “So how _did_ it work, then?” he asks, sitting forward. His face is the picture of innocence, earnestness.

“It …” Kaneki half raises his hands to gesture, blushing.

Hide points to his own face. Specifically, to his mouth. “Or you could just show me,” he says. He doesn't think about what he's saying, so he doesn't blush. It feels casual, but it won't, if he thinks about it. So he doesn't. “Like, do it on me.”

“Uh.” Kaneki, on the other hand, _does_ think about what Hide's saying. Uh-oh. If he continues to make that face, Hide will end up realizing what he's doing, and he can't have that.

“Is that weird? It wouldn't be weird, would it?” Hide talks quickly, trying to drown out his thoughts. “Like you said. Not a real kiss.”

The look on Kaneki's face says that it definitely would be weird. And yet – he's stepping forward anyway, lifting his hands. “Okay,” he says. He pauses for a second, before touching Hide. “I'll just …” He swallows, like he wants to say something more, but he doesn't. He cups his hands around Hide's face. “It's like –”

A thrill fills Hide at Kaneki's touch. He tries not to let his face change, but he can't hold back a faint sigh. And when Kaneki's thumbs press to his lips, he thinks he might actually make a small sound, in the back of his throat. The pads of his thumbs are rough, and Hide's lips are _sensitive_ , he can feel the ridges and whorls and he holds himself still with great effort. Kaneki blinks at him, looking a bit shocked, and then Kaneki leans in and puts his mouth to the backs of his thumbs.

 _Ah yes, I can see how this works,_ the (small) part of Hide's mind that did really ask for this out of honest curiosity says. _This would almost be convincing_. But he can't focus on that. His blush turns on all at once, like a switch. He closes his eyes. He feels his mouth start to move, just a little bit.

Then, neatly, Hide reaches up for Kaneki's wrists, takes away his hands, and kisses him square on.

They're _kissing_. Mouth to mouth – this is _really happening_. It's over in a moment, but the moment feels much longer than it is. When they separate Hide has the most peculiar, ghostly sensation that the impression of Kaneki's mouth has been left behind on his lips. Kaneki, pulling slowly away, brings his hand to his own mouth, as if trying to touch the sensation, to see if it's real.

“Oh shit,” Hide whispers. Because _this_ was the feeling, all along it was _this_. The odd excitement, the heat. What he wanted was –

“Oh my God,” Kaneki says softly. He shakes his head. “Oh my God.”

“I ...” Hide says, unable to think of anything to say.

“Did you do that on purpose?” Kaneki asks. He rubs his mouth again, eyes wide. “Did you _set that up_ , meaning to – all along –?” His pupils are dilated. Hide swallows. He knows enough about body language to know what that means.

“No,” Hide admits.

“Well … it was pretty smooth,” Kaneki says, with a shaky, awkward laugh. He runs his hand through his hair, and Hide's eyes follow the movement with an unnecessary amount of focus. “I was … impressed.”

“Oh,” says Hide. “Impressed.”

“Yeah.”

They regard each other uncertainly. Then Hide speaks again. “Do you want to –”

“ _Yes_.”

It's emphatic in a way that lets Hide know everything. They reach for each other. Hide's mouth aches – it comes on very suddenly, the aching, as they descend towards each other – and when their lips touch Hide experiences the rare feeling of having a desperate wish perfectly fulfilled. Kaneki moves one hand from Hide's face to the side of his neck, and it sends small sparks rushing through his veins. Hide weaves his fingers into Kaneki's hair. There's something incredibly exciting about that, about burying his hands in the fine strands. He can pull Kaneki closer, and – their teeth click momentarily, then they find a better angle – kiss him deeper.

 _Kiss him_. It sinks in for the first time just what he's doing.

They break apart breathless, staring at each other half in surprise, half in giddy wonder. “Whoa,” Kaneki whispers.

“Yeah.”

Hide has no idea what to say. He doesn't know what questions to ask Kaneki, what questions to ask _himself_ , what he wants to do next … He stares into clear gray eyes, mind going blank, and he's never noticed, has he? How lovely Kaneki's eyes are. The human eye is a beautiful thing – but it's very intimate to lock gazes with someone, and so apart from in communication it rarely happens. Hide has never spent a prolonged time examining any eye other than his own. Kaneki's are beautiful.

“Is this –” Kaneki starts, swallowing.

A sudden sound from elsewhere within the house interrupts whatever he was going to say.

Both boys jerk in surprise, whipping around to look out Hide's open door and into the hallway. The noise came from the main room: the front door, opening and closing. Hide's heart plummets. “Shit,” he hisses. “ _Shit_. Mom's home.”

Regret stabs at him. They'd just gotten started, they couldn't stop _now_. At the same time, he feels an unfocused sense of urgency, in direct conflict with the regret – like he has to do something fast, hide something incriminating, before she comes in and sees. As if something on either of their faces will give away what they'd just been doing. “I –” Hide pulls away from Kaneki, and immediately wants to bring him back in close. “ _Shit_.”

“Do we have to …?” Kaneki asks, looking just as unhappy about this.

 _We haven't talked about this properly yet_. Hide understands Kaneki's reluctance. But there's no time now … Hide shakes his head. “We – I have to tell her – she doesn't know you're here.”

“ _Really?_ ” Kaneki asks plaintively, face frustrated. “Right away?”

“She'll come in here if we don't come out,” Hide says, and he sees that Kaneki knows it's true.

“ _Shit_ ,” Kaneki echoes. He inhales, holds the breath, blows it out. He nods a few times, touching his mouth again. “So, you'll tell her I'm here. Will she be okay with that?” He looks a bit anxious. There's a second layer to his question – _will she be okay with_ _what we're doing_ _?_ Hide elects to ignore it.

“Of course she will. She loves you. That hasn't changed, over the year.” _We won't tell her._ Hide casts a look at the half-open door to his bedroom. He hears his mom in the kitchen, moving things around. “Come say hi to her?”

“But –” But if we get caught up talking to her, we might not be able to be alone for a while, Kaneki doesn't say. He stands up, too.

“Hideyoshi?” Hide's mom calls down the hall.

“Here!” Hide calls back. There's no time to think, no time to process anything properly. He looks at Kaneki, who has approached him in the doorway. He hesitates, wanting to kiss him again, but his courage fails him. “Let's go,” he says softly.

 

* * *

 

Predictably, Hide's mother is absolutely pleased to see him. Kaneki is happy to see her, too. She has always been extraordinarily good to him, and it isn't any different now.

“Did you get in all right?” she asks him, holding him at arm's length. The Nagachika family is composed of incredible huggers. “No problems?”

“Nothing major,” Kaneki says. “It was an easy trip.”

“Oh, I'm so glad to hear that,” she says warmly. “Flying can be so stressful, and with trips that long, delays can get really serious. Did you get any sleep on the flight?”

“Some,” Kaneki says, with an uncertain tilt of his head. “Not a lot.”

“It's good you got _some_. But I bet you're still exhausted. I'd be, if I was you.” Hide's mother lets him go finally, stepping back to stand with her hands on her hips. “I have to say, I'm surprised to see you here! Wouldn't your family want to catch up first?”

Kaneki and Hide exchange careful looks. “They're … no,” Kaneki says. “Actually, I was …”

“I told him he could stay here tonight,” Hide interjects, and Kaneki shoots him a grateful look.

Hide's mother scrutinizes Kaneki, concern flitting across her face. “I see,” she says softly. She knows a bit about Kaneki's home situation from Hide. She hasn't gotten directly involved herself, but she's made it clear to Kaneki that she'll do all she can for him. “Of course you can stay.” There's a sad look in her eye for a moment, but then abruptly, she wipes her face clear. “Well, we should do something to celebrate your homecoming, in that case!” she exclaims, clapping her hands and rubbing them together. Nagachikas also love to celebrate. “I was going to make something here at home, but how about we go out to dinner instead? What's that restaurant you boys like so much? Big Girl.”

“Oh, that's –” Kaneki starts, surprised.

“Great idea!” Hide beams.

“All right!” Hide's mother says. “I'll call them and ask about seating. Kaneki, dear, you'll have to tell me all about America over dinner. You've picked up just a bit of an accent, did you know?”

“So I've heard,” Kaneki says, glancing at Hide.

It's not quite dinner time, and Hide needs to change into something nicer than his tank top and cargo shorts before he goes out anyway, so while Hide's mother calls the restaurant, the two boys retreat back to Hide's room. Once alone, they find they can't quite look at each other. Hide snags some pants and a button-down shirt. “I'll … change in the bathroom,” he says quickly. Kaneki nods.

Everything has happened so fast, he hasn't had the time to figure out what he thinks. It isn't as if this had been something building up for months and months – it caught him completely by surprise. Not just the event, but how he feels about it. The fact that he _does_ have feelings about it.

It isn't that Kaneki hasn't noticed Hide is good-looking. And it _had_ occurred to Kaneki a number of times over the course of the past two years that physical attraction to him was not out of the question. And, he _might_ have wondered if he could possibly be crushing on him, once or twice. Actually several times. ( _And_ , well, maybe it _was_ Hide's face that he imagined, every time someone asked him if he had a girlfriend or boyfriend back home.)

But that didn't mean he'd been _aware_ of the crush – if it was even a crush. Kaneki has always imagined a crush as a much more urgent thing, not this low simmering, a feeling that could have gone on indefinitely largely unnoticed.

But it crackled and caught fire when he pressed his thumbs to Hide's lips.

At any rate, Kaneki's not used to feeling this way. It's all so strong and sudden and new that he finds himself a little afraid of it. Like maybe it's a dream, or a product of exhaustion – unstable, fickle, forgotten once he's readjusted to home just like all of his other feelings of strangeness about being back in Japan.

Kaneki kneels down next to his suitcase and unzips the outer pocket, needing nothing except to hold onto something solid. The first thing he sees is the familiar spine of a book. He reaches for it, already feeling his mood lightening. It's one of the few books in English that he now owns, and it's the only one he hadn't bought himself. He got it secondhand, its original owner a friend back in America – she'd had a double copy. _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. At the insistence of _everyone_ , Kaneki read the entire series while he was overseas.

The binding is well-cracked, the pages yellowed and bulging in the paperback cover. Kaneki, smiling fondly, flips to the back, to where his friends had all written messages. _Come back soon, duuuuuude!_ one message reads. _HAGL!! That means: Have A Good Life!_ says another. Several more take up substantially more room, spilling onto other pages or even onto the back cover. When Kaneki is to reread the book, he will find notes at the end of chapters, in the margins of pages. Some are signed with hearts, or _xoxo_ ; some are accompanied by doodles. One note is a love confession. But for now, Kaneki just runs his fingers across the pen lines, grinning to himself.

“What's that?” comes Hide's voice, from the doorway.

Kaneki looks up, still smiling. He lifts the cover of the book to show him. “All my friends from America signed it,” he says.

“Ooh, neat,” Hide says. He now wears gray-green pressed pants, and a faintly purple button-down shirt. He crosses the floor and throws himself onto his bed, bouncing slightly. Raising his eyebrows at Kaneki, he pats the space next to him. “Come show me.”

Hide has a more comfortable manner, now, and Kaneki gets the sense that he had taken some time to think things over as well. Kaneki stands to join him, ending up perching on the very edge of the mattress. He wants to respect Hide's personal space, but Hide doesn't seem to mind the proximity. He scoots up right behind Kaneki and leans against his back. Through his shirt, he's very warm. “Hey, that's the English version of Harry Potter,” Hide says, craning his head over Kaneki's shoulder to see. The sides of their faces press together. Kaneki suppresses a shiver. “I've read that. Well, I've read the translation.”

“Oh really?” Kaneki asks, holding his voice steady despite the jitters that come with feeling Hide's breath on his skin. “Did you like it?”

“Hell yeah. Harry rocks. Did you read the whole thing in English?”

“Yes,” Kaneki says.

“Dude,” Hide says admiringly.

Kaneki flips slowly through the front pages. More signatures here. “Hey, that one's in Japanese,” Hide says, surprised.

Several of them are, actually. Kaneki had known a few Japanese-Americans at his school, whose parents were immigrants, and who spoke Japanese at home. One family, a family that also came from Tokyo, had made a point of inviting him over for a traditional dinner quite a few times over the course of his stay. But this particular signature came from a girl with no Japanese family at all. “Yeah, she was taking Japanese language lessons,” Kaneki remembers. Slowly, as if it's trying not to be noticed, Hide's arm is creeping around Kaneki's waist. Kaneki's pulse thrums, and his breathing becomes shallower. “You would have liked her – she was a fan of anime,” Kaneki goes on, swallowing. “She watched a bunch of shows you like. She used to practice her Japanese with me.”

“Huh,” Hide says. His hand settles, warm, on Kaneki's hip. “What shows?”

“Um –” Kaneki begins, but then Hide's mouth is on his neck, behind his jaw, and he quite forgets what he was about to say.

“Sorry,” Hide whispers into his skin. Kaneki is rigid against him.

“Don't apologize,” Kaneki breathes. He's not used to the feeling, and he's caught completely off-guard by his body's reaction. Hide presses slow kisses down the side of his neck, and underneath Kaneki's skin, sparks gather. He's so _sensitive_. It's as if all the feeling in his body is concentrated under those spots, where Hide's lips have touched. A soft sigh escapes him. He feels himself relaxing, melting against Hide's body.

Hide gets bolder. His lips part, move over Kaneki's skin. Kaneki holds a hand over his mouth, suppressing sighs. Hide finds the junction of neck and shoulder, and, gently, takes Kaneki's skin into his mouth. Kaneki feels the flicker of Hide's tongue, and gasps a little – it seems like it's something he shouldn't like, but it's really quite thrilling.

Then footsteps in the hall. “Boys? You ready?” Hide's mother calls. Frustration sets in. Hide's fingers dig into Kaneki's hip. He mouths hard at Kaneki's neck, and then again, aggravated. Kaneki's eyes fly open in shock, and he shoves his hand against his mouth to keep from making noise.

Then Hide pulls away. Kaneki closes his eyes in a brief, fruitless effort to compose himself.

“Yeah!” Hide shouts back. “Just about!”

Kaneki is dangerously close to whipping around and smashing his face right into Hide's. It's a very weird thought. Is this what the health teachers always warned him about? These strange urges? “Fuck. Again,” Hide whispers.

Kaneki doesn't respond.

“You alright?” Hide asks him.

Kaneki draws a shaky breath. “Y-yeah,” he says. He hears Hide shift, slide off the bed, come around to face him. Warm hands cup his chin.

“You're all blushy-blushy,” Hide coos. Kaneki opens his eyes to glare.

“Who's fault would that be?” he asks. Hide grins, pleased.

“C'mon, we have to go to dinner,” he says, bringing Kaneki to his feet. “Don't want Mom to come in and … see anything.”

“What would she see?” Kaneki asks, standing toe to toe with Hide. It's a loaded question. Hide rises to the challenge.

“ _You_ know,” Hide says, stepping in. He captures Kaneki's face in his hands and kisses him boldly, more boldly than Kaneki would expect from a guy whose mother is just around the corner. Despite that, Kaneki closes his eyes and leans into him and generally gets pretty into it.

When they step away from each other, their breath is coming quicker and a dangerous kind of heat is beginning to brew between them. Each carefully notes the other's dishevelment and commits it to memory. Then, in silent agreement, hair is smoothed, and shirts tucked in. “Ready to go?” Hide checks.

Kaneki nods.

 

* * *

 

Being with Hide is a whole new kind of feeling. No … what they have isn't solid enough yet to be called _being_. It's uncertain, murky – a complicated pool of emotion that they've only begun to test. It's less _being with_ , Kaneki thinks, and more _having a secret_.

Like when Hide slides into the booth after Kaneki, and nudges his foot around Kaneki's leg, crossing their ankles and pressing the sides of their feet together. That's a secret.

And when Hide's knee bumps Kaneki's, and Kaneki takes the opportunity to place his hand on top of it, hoping his face isn't turning as red as it feels. That's another secret.

There was a boundary between them, like there is between all people – what's okay to touch, and what isn't, what urges are okay to act on, and what aren't – and that boundary has just gotten significantly less substantial. There's something exciting about testing it. It's … pretty freeing. Kaneki can set his hand on Hide's knee, just to touch and for no other reason, and Hide doesn't question it. Because he wants to. Hide knows he wants to. Of course he wants to.

Part of the excitement comes from the newness, and part of it comes from wanting to.

Kaneki's sharpest memories of that dinner are of those exciting little secrets. Hide's mother asks him about America, and he's able to give semi-coherent responses, but the larger part of his mind focuses on the brushes of knuckles under the table, the intertwining of fingers. They hold hands for a few minutes, and Kaneki never knew how nice it could feel to have someone's fingers stroking his palm. When the hand-holding is finished there's a bit of footsie, which had never sounded appealing to Kaneki before now and actually it only occurs to him that what they're doing _does_ in fact fulfill the definition of 'footsie' after he's given it some thought, because something that feels this nice shouldn't be a trope in so many trashy teen novels.

And then, after Kaneki finishes an anecdote about a favorite teacher's least favorite species of frog, Hide clears his throat. “I have to go to the bathroom,” he announces, rising.

Kaneki does not think Hide has to go to the bathroom. Perhaps it's intuition, but it also could be the meaningful way he was poking Kaneki's side a second ago. “Actually, now that you mention it, I have to go as well,” Kaneki says, rubbing his jaw. Hide's mom blinks at them, accepting the excuse at face value.

“Don't fall in,” she says.

Kaneki laughs good-naturedly, while Hide looks pained. “Damn mom jokes,” he whispers to Kaneki, grabbing his arm and leading him to the lit signs for the bathrooms. “She says that every time.”

“I know,” Kaneki whispers back.

There are four stalls in the men's restroom. Kaneki makes sure the door closes quietly behind them – it has a tendency to slam, as warned by the water-stained handwritten note taped to it – while Hide surreptitiously checks underneath each stall. “Clear,” he says. “Clear … clear … clear.”

Kaneki comes away from the door. They regard each other. Hide's arms are crossed, and Kaneki thinks abstractly how good he looks in that purple shirt. It's a good color on him, especially when he's tanned like this. But he would look even better with the top button undone. Kaneki begins to outline a vague plan in his mind for how to fix that for him.

“Did _you_ need to pee? Because I didn't,” Hide says, and this alleviates some of the tension. Kaneki smiles.

“No, I don't,” he says. “I _thought_ you were thinking of other things.”

“Well, yes, I was.”

They gaze at each other, a little giddy, a little awkward, very much a young couple. “Well, this is one advantage to being gay, isn't it?” Kaneki says eventually.

Hide laughs. “Yeah, man, why can't straights go to the bathroom together? Those social justice people don't talk about _that_ , do they?”

“Hmm.” They're in each other's arms in another second. Hide holds Kaneki loosely about the waist, while Kaneki's arms wind up trapped between them, his hands resting on Hide's shoulders. It's a calculated move on Kaneki's part – it gets him closer to that top button.

“So is this how it's gonna be?” Hide asks in a soft voice, resting his forehead against Kaneki's.

“For the foreseeable future,” Kaneki answers. “That is, if you ...”

“Of course.” Hide lifts a hand to Kaneki's face, trailing a finger along his jaw in an exploratory sort of way. He gives a little laugh. “It all happened so fast … can you believe, I didn't even know I wanted you until you stage-kissed me.”

Kaneki's mind catches on _wanted you_. “Uh,” he says eloquently. Hide's finger moves from his jaw to his lips, tracing the outline of his mouth. “I … it was about the same for me,” he says around the finger. “Except, sometimes, your voice on the phone … It might have occurred to me then, too. But I forgot.”

“Forgot?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm _hurt_. How could you forget me?”

“I don't know,” Kaneki says, his eyes very warm.

“Well, don't forget any more,” Hide murmurs, suddenly very close, and his kiss cuts off any further conversation.

Kaneki groans into it, the pressure of Hide's mouth a heady relief. All these little touches, stolen moments, interruptions – they'd been winding him up without him even noticing it. Hide pulls back a little way to say, “Jesus, Kaneki,” and then they're back at it more fervently than ever. Kaneki licks across the seam of Hide's lips – a request – and then into his mouth as permission is given. It's warm and wet and Kaneki can feel the ridges of teeth, and the textured roof of Hide's mouth. It isn't too bad at all. But everything Kaneki had ever read about kissing warned him of the dangers of too much tongue, so he pulls back after a few exploratory licks (probably a good thing because it _was_ a little awkward), their mouths slipping against each other slickly. Hide still seems into it after the tonguing is over, though, so Kaneki tries again, with what feels like better results. It's less of a _probe_ and more of a _stroke_ , he finds – he has to fit naturally into Hide's mouth, be gentle and slow and thorough and – and oh, Hide's moaning.

They break apart out of breath, lips wet with saliva. Hide looks at him, and then makes a bit of a face. “Would it be totally rude if I wiped my mouth?” he asks. “It's all ...”

Kaneki agrees with him. In unison, they smear the backs of their hands across their lips.

“Damn, though,” Hide says, resettling. “Been kissing anyone I should know about?”

“Not really,” Kaneki says. “Well, only Kevin.”

“On the cheek, right?”

“On the mouth too.” Hide looks petulant. “Only at the goodbye party! He said he'd kissed everyone except me, and this was his last chance, so I … Ugh, Hide, it only lasted a second, and it didn't mean anything. Besides, didn't you kiss your girlfriend back in first year?”

Hide had briefly dated a pretty brown-haired girl their first year of high school. Kaneki remembered him being distinctly unimpressed by the experience, and they'd broken up rather quickly. Kaneki heard later that it turned out she was a lesbian – he supposes it was to be expected that the relationship was less than stellar. “Once,” Hide grumbles.

“Then we're even,” Kaneki decides.

Hide still doesn't look satisfied. “I just can't believe you _gave away_ your first kiss like that.”

 _Did you want to be my first?_ Kaneki is oddly touched by the thought. “Well, it wasn't a real kiss,” he says now, gripping that purple shirt and drawing Hide closer. “ _This_ –”

He's gratified when Hide moans again. Kaneki thinks he's really getting the hang of it now. At the very least, he's able to relax his concentration enough to have space in his brain for thinking about Hide's irksome top button. He finds it, fumbling, and begins to pick it through the buttonhole.

“Uh!” Hide says, looking dazed. “I think undressing me, here, _now_ , is a _really_ bad idea.”

“I'm just – doing the top,” Kaneki manages, before health class urges bring him back to Hide's mouth. Hide's trying some tonguing of his own, now, and it does in fact feel _really nice_ when Hide's tongue slides past Kaneki's lips.

Kaneki succeeds with the button, and pulls back for a moment. Hide looks wonderfully tousled, lips slightly parted and full-looking from all the kissing. Kaneki is oddly fascinated with his blush, which seems to have crawled all the way down Hide's throat. The exposed V of skin revealed by the undoing of the button looks way too enticing. Kaneki is overcome by the urge to – to lick it.

Why resist? Kaneki lowers his head to Hide's throat. “Is this all right?” he murmurs, and feels Hide's nod. He his mouth there first, and hears Hide's breath catch – then he drags his tongue slowly across the skin.

Hide clamps his hand over his mouth, but it's not enough to muffle his groan. Kaneki pulls back. “Okay?” he asks.

“Holy shit,” Hide whispers. “That should have been gross. But it was kind of really sexy. Why was it sexy?”

“Hmm,” Kaneki says pensively, pressing a dry kiss to the side of Hide's neck. Then he flicks his tongue, a little flick, but Hide's whole body goes stiff anyway. He drops his head back down, and presses the flat of his tongue to Hide's skin. It's half a lick, half a sort of suction thing, and Hide seems _wild_ for it. His hands bury themselves in Kaneki's hair, and Kaneki repeats the action and revels in Hide's tiny, choked noises.

Then the bathroom door opens.

Thank all that is sacred for the small partition that obscures the door from the rest of the room, or Kaneki may have locked himself in a stall and not come out until everyone he knew was dead and all memory of this moment had been erased from existence. As it is, Kaneki and Hide are standing _several_ feet from each other when the man finishes closing the door quietly (heeding the sign) and comes around the corner. It's an employee of the restaurant, a middle-aged man who would probably have a heart attack at the sight of Gays.

The three of them sort of look at each other. Any actual meeting of gazes is purely accidental and extremely uncomfortable. Quickly, the man goes into a stall, and Hide and Kaneki turn to the sinks.

The sight of his own face in the mirror surprises Kaneki, and he has to pause his fake handwashing routine to stare. Everywhere he can see evidence of their actions. His hair is a mess. His shirt is wrinkled, from Hide's clutching hands. His mouth seems redder than normal. Next to him, Hide is scrubbing his hands with a blank, shell-shocked look on his face. He's a wreck, too. Kaneki's eyes go to the collar of his shirt. He'd actually left very faint red marks there (although they're quickly fading), and to Kaneki's eyes that exposed bit of skin is suddenly the most erotic thing on the planet. Kaneki's heart thuds nervously. He has to cover it up. Someone will know.

“It's probably a good thing anyway,” Hide is whispering, leaning a little closer to him. “That interruption. How long have we been in here?”

Kaneki doesn't know. It doesn't feel like that long, but neither of them has a watch.

“Man, though,” Hide says, shaking his head several times. “I'm – that was –”

“Nice?”

“ _Nice_ doesn't cover it,” Hide says. “Oh, God. How am I going to act normally around Mom? Jesus. Next time you want to kiss my fucking _lights_ out, do it when we're not going to get interrupted!”

“Sorry.”

“No, you're not.”

“No, I'm not.”

They dry their hands. They smooth their hair. Kaneki does up Hide's top button. He still looked a lot better with it popped, but Kaneki can't imagine showing _that_ sight to Hide's _mother_.

“So,” Hide says, his voice suddenly at a normal volume. Used to whispers, the sound surprises Kaneki. He blinks. “That _thing_ you were telling me about earlier.”

“Thing?” Kaneki's mind is blank.

“That theater cast party thing.” Hide gives him a meaningful look. _Play along_. “You were talking, but then you stopped.”

“Oh.” Kaneki remembers now.

By the time they return to the table, they're engaged deep in a conversation about Kaneki's cast party stories, which, predictably, involve Kevin kissing someone. Their food order has arrived. Hide's mother is on her phone, but she stows it quickly when the boys approach.

“No phones at the table,” Hide jabs.

Like a mother well used to sass, she ignores him. “Well, well. I was starting to wonder if you _did_ fall in.”

They take their seats, both too self-conscious of appearance – trying not to give themselves away – to attempt any surreptitious touching just then. “Kaneki was telling wildly inappropriate theater stories,” Hide lies easily, (although Kaneki tenses for a moment when he hears _wildly inappropriate_ ). “We had to spare your sensitive ears.”

“I see,” Hide's mother says. “Of course, I wouldn't know anything about that sort of thing.”

“Of _course_.”

She seems to believe them. Kaneki lets out a breath.

They all dig in. Everything seems like it's going normally, and Kaneki allows himself to begin to relax. No suspicions have been raised. They're out of danger for now.

And then, under the table, Hide's hand slides up his leg. Kaneki, about to take a bite of his burger, freezes. He shoots Hide a _look_.

But Hide just gazes straight ahead, looking perfectly serene. Kaneki draws a breath, knowing he could stop this if he really wanted to – but pauses. Turns red, exhales shakily. Hide's fingers do a circle on his leg, easing even higher up his thigh. Kaneki is taut as a wire. He slips a hand under the table, hovers it over the back of Hide's. He could end this right now. Take Hide's hand away. He thinks about it. Then he puts his hand back on top of the table.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Hide's satisfied smirk.

 

* * *

 

The late summer sun is on the edge of the horizon by the time they walk back home from the restaurant. Blue evening, the trees turned to black silhouettes. A lovely time of day.

Hide, for perhaps the first time in his life, wants to be inside. In his room, preferably, with the door locked, and his mom as far away as possible. Not that he has anything against his mom. It's just, her being here makes certain things a liiiiiiitle bit very awkward.

His blood still sings from the brief affair in the bathroom earlier. Kaneki … there's nothing he wants more than to back that boy against a nice solid wall and have his way with him, because _Jesus_. He should _not_ have been able to get that good at kissing, that fast. No. And that whole thing with the _button_ … Hide shudders agreeably. He hasn't even been able to dwell on it, because of that … reaction, that could happen, and his _mother_ is here. They walk side by side, Hide in the middle, closing ranks to single file when the walk narrows or another group approaches. Hide's mother tends to drop behind the two of them when this happens, which makes secret hand holding difficult – she'd See. Irritation makes Hide snarkier than normal. His mother laughs openly at him, and even Kaneki shoots sidelong amused glances in his direction whenever he opens his mouth, as if to dare him to sass her again. Oh, he does love his mother. She just needs to go awayyyyyyyy …

It's as if she hears his thoughts. When they reach the apartment building, she turns to them, face pensive. “Hey, I actually have to run down to the pharmacy,” she says, hesitating. Hide is internally cheering. Alone in the apartment with Kaneki? _Yes_. “But, well, it occurred to me that Kaneki might want to see a little more of Toyko now that he's back. And you, my son, need exercise,” she continues. “So I was going to suggest you go over to that park down by the library for a little while, but that's so close to the pharmacy that I might as well ask you to pick up some stuff for me as well.” Oh. Hide's mother looks from one boy to the other. “Only if you want to, though,” she adds. “Kaneki, if you're too tired, you don't have to go anywhere.”

There's a beat of uncertainty. The silent, eternal message _what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?_ passes between the boys. Then Kaneki says, “We'd be happy to go.”

Alone on the streets of Tokyo with Kaneki is good, too, Hide supposes. “You heard _library_ and you were a goner,” he teases. “We can go there too, if you want.”

Kaneki turns to him, eyes lighting up. “Really?”

Hide _almost_ kisses him right there. It's an instinctive reaction to the look Kaneki's giving him right now. Instead, he bites his lip, hard. “Of course. Hey, Mom, what do you want from the pharmacy?”

“I'll make you a list,” she says, materializing a notepad from thin air. Hide's mother is one of those people who always has exactly what she needs, whenever she needs it. She jots down two items, and hands it off to Hide, along with a few bills. Hide stuffs the paper wad into his pocket. “Thanks so much, kids. Hideyoshi, you have the apartment key, right?”

“Sure do,” Hide says. “C'mon, Kaneki, let's go see your books.”

They maintain a decent distance from each other until Hide's mother has disappeared inside the building. Then Hide grabs Kaneki's hand.

They walk a few more paces, and then Hide notices Kaneki is staring at their joined hands in wide-eyed surprise. “Is this okay?” he says after a moment.

“Huh? I mean, yeah?” Hide says. “I didn't think this would be a big deal to the guy who just had his tongue –”

“I mean, is it okay to do this in public?” Kaneki says quickly, the tips of his ears turning red. “Where people could ...”

Right. Because telling people they're together implies commitment. “Well … I'm not ready to tell anyone we know yet,” Hide says. “But for now, when nobody's really around ...” Cars pass occasionally on the street, but aside from that, they're largely alone.

“Oh.” Kaneki squeezes his hand.

They walk, in the direction of the fading sun. Another car drives by. A woman walking a dog comes toward them, and they tense, but don't disengage. She passes without a word.

“Hey, Hide ...” Kaneki says, and Hide's thumb rubs across his knuckles. “Aren't you a bit worried that this is all happening a little _too_ fast?”

He doesn't expect Hide's heavy sigh. He looks up. “Yeah,” Hide says. “Like, going from being friends to being …”

Neither of them have said it yet, but the understanding is there. “Dating,” Kaneki says aloud, to make it real. “We're dating.”

Hide flashes him a grin. “Who'd've thunk it?”

Kaneki smiles as well. “When we met, in elementary school ...”

“I knew exactly what would happen. Saw it all coming. Right then.”

They both share a laugh, the join of their hands suddenly feeling like the most natural thing.

“But really,” Hide says, giving their arms a little swing. “I know what you mean. We've been together for so long already, as … as _not_ this, that being _this_ could really … change things. I mean, it _has_ changed things. I kind of _want_ it to change things. Just not, you know, everything.”

There. That's it, the thing Kaneki couldn't quite figure out how to voice. “Yes,” he says. _And what if something bad happens? What if_ _we_ _break up?_ Emotions like these might be more compelling than feelings of friendship, but they're also more volatile. Friendship can sustain indefinitely, with relative stability, just so long as the parties involved maintain contact and share interests with each other. Not all – love, lust, attraction, whatever – can. “And just …” he says, “just … the _fact_ that this has changed between us … I think I'm worried that it already might be too much. Everything's been the same for so long, why did it all go different now?”

Hide looks into Kaneki's anxious face, and smiles – a talent he's always had. “Puberty,” he suggests wisely.

Kaneki laughs. “ _No_.”

“Okay, really though. Well, I can't speak for you, but I think for me it must have changed when you went away – and then, and seeing you again, that …” Hide wrinkles his nose, unsatisfied with the way the words are coming out. “Just … when our time was limited, I think it made me value getting to talk to you more than I would have otherwise. And then I was afraid of losing you to your American friends … and then you came back here, and you were all _cute_.”

Kaneki narrows his eyes, looking at Hide sidelong. “Cute?”

“Yeah,” Hide says, in a _duh_ kind of voice. They cross a street. The crosswalk is telling them not to go, but nobody's at the intersection. “I think you _did_ get cuter. Either that or I only started noticing recently. But I think it's a bit of both.”

Kaneki doesn't quite know what to say about that. It's not like Hide is the first person to ever call him cute, but he's the first person to make Kaneki feel like _this_ about it.

“Aw, your face is bright red,” Hide teases. He reaches out, absentminded, and touches Kaneki's face. Kaneki looks up, and it's one of those moments when two people's eyes meet by accident and neither of them is concealing any emotion on their faces at that moment and it's a bit of a scramble to compose oneself but then it's too late because both people have seen everything.

Hide lets his hand fall.

And Kaneki – Kaneki almost kisses him. They're in public, so he doesn't, but he definitely considers it. Seriously considers it. Instead, he just squeezes Hide's hand hard, and they walk a while in silence until they regain their respective abilities to speak.

“I ...” Kaneki says, clearing his throat. “I think, that for me, it was also kind of the year abroad that made me change? How I feel about you, that is.”

“Oh yeah?” Hide asks, voice softer than normal.

“It was … being away, all that stuff that you said. But also, it was kind of in the back of my head the whole time, these past couple of years. You know –” Kaneki rubs his mouth “– that whole I'd-be-down-if-you-were-down vibe. Nothing imperative. And then, you, um, kissed me.”

“And you realized you were more down than you thought?” Hide's eyebrows oscillate with incredible frequency.

“Shut up,” Kaneki says, trying not to smile. He fails.

They've reached the library, and Kaneki pauses for a moment at the base of the building to take in its ascent into the sky. This is the library of his youth, the library he went to when he was very small, with his mother. (And even before that – he's told that his father used to take him here, on days when his mother had work and couldn't watch him. He thinks he might have a dim memory of that, of his father reading him stories from the shelves.)

And even after he moved farther away, to live with his aunt, Kaneki continued to attend this library. The year he'd spent away is probably the longest he's been from it in all his life. Kaneki draws a deep breath, then lets it out. It's good to be home.

“So,” Hide is saying, continuing their earlier train of thought, and Kaneki blinks and directs his attention back to the present, “maybe this change isn't as sudden as it feels. If you were kinda feeling it all along. I mean, I was too, a little. Probably. I guess I just didn't think about it too much.”

“Oh really?” Kaneki asks, wrenching his eyes away from the beloved old building. “Is that why you flirted with me all the time?”

“Hah, that's a good point. It's likely.”

This sidewalk … these automatic sliding doors. Kaneki can remember a time when he was too small to trigger them to open. Someone – his mother? his _father_? – laughing, lifting him onto their shoulders. A rush of nostalgia all but knocks the breath out of him.

Hide must see it on his face, because he goes silent, letting Kaneki think about it. They pass through the doors, into the cool dim quiet of the library. Kaneki's eyes scan the desk. Nobody he recognizes is around, and for some reason that throws him off – there are new faces all the time, but what if, in the time he's been gone, the old faces have all _left?_ What if it isn't his library anymore? What if there are people now who know it better, love it more?

He shakes himself. It isn't a competition. He can get to know it again.

“How does the old place look?” Hide whispers in his ear, a reassuring presence.

“Almost just like I remembered. Can we go upstairs?”

“Do whatever you want,” Hide says.

Kaneki goes upstairs. This is the youth and teen portion of the library, the part in which he spent most of his time growing up. He does in fact recognize one of the glasses-wearing women at the help desk here. He feels more relieved than he would have expected.

“I want to look at ...” He gravitates instantly towards the teen literature shelves. He's spent a little less time up here than he has downstairs, with the adult literature, reading his father's old favorites. Still, it holds a special place in his heart.

Not many people are on this floor at this time of evening. Kaneki supposes most children are at home right now, eating dinner and spending time with their families. The emptiness gives it a bit of an illicit feeling, like he's here after hours, and so has to _sneak_. Surprising himself, he darts for the shelves, suddenly craving the privacy offered among the walls of books.

Hide gives a startled laugh, and follows him. “See something you like?” he asks jokingly.

Kaneki grins at him, breathless. “Right now I do.”

“Awww ...”

Kaneki runs a finger along the spines of the books, bump-bump-bump-bump. Attractive spines, eye-catching titles. He sees a familiar book, one he's loved for years, and pulls it out, whispering a greeting under his breath – _hello, old friend_. He cracks it open and traces the letters on a page. Memories come flooding back. Taking this to a festival, trying to read it during quiet moments, but Hide had been good at entertaining him, and he hadn't needed it much. Earlier that day Hide had re-bleached his hair. Kaneki remembers thinking how good it looked.

He slides the book back into place. Hide's got another one in his hands, and is flipping through it. A manga. “Typical,” Kaneki whispers fondly. Hide turns, smiling.

“You got a problem with my taste in lit?” he asks.

“That's not even supposed to be here, it was probably shelved wrong ...” Kaneki says, taking it from him and setting it aside. He doesn't miss the way Hide is looking at him, but he turns away for now, eyes drawn to the shelves. He hears Hide's soft sigh.

“About how many of these do you think you've read?” he asks. “Half? Three quarters?”

Kaneki suppresses a laugh. “There are so many books … I couldn't hope to keep up.”

“Still.” As Kaneki's fingers catch on another familiar volume, Hide comes very close to him. Kaneki can feel the warmth of Hide's arm radiating onto his own.

“Do you read books anymore?” he asks.

“Once in a while,” Hide admits. “When you were gone, I tried to read a few of yours, so I'd have something to talk about with you, but I never managed to get through one.”

“Weak,” Kaneki teases. Hide's hand finds his wrist, slides upward.

They turn to face each other. Kaneki has to tilt his head just a little bit up to look Hide in the face – he's _slightly_ taller, which has been a source of teasing in the past, but now Kaneki finds he sort of likes it that way. They don't speak, but the way they look at each other communicates something – some emotion. Kaneki's fingers stroke down the spines of the books. Hide's fingers stroke up Kaneki's arm. They cup his elbow, then curl, guiding him forward. They both lean towards each other, but Kaneki's pretty sure he's the one to kiss Hide first.

It's one of those kisses where you hold as still as possible and just let it wash over you.

Kaneki's hands come away from the books to rest on Hide's shoulders, feather-light. Hide sighs through his nose and leans into him. From elsewhere in the library, there's a low murmur of voices and the sound of a printer scanning pages – and then an extended silence. Kaneki closes his eyes.

He doesn't know how long they stand there. The kiss slides away as naturally as it began and then Kaneki rests his head on Hide's shoulder, pressing his face against the side of his neck, and they hold each other. Hide strokes Kaneki's hair and Kaneki can feel his breaths tickle his ear. It's a moment that seems disconnected from the very idea of time.

And then a voice from nearby. It's just a kid with a question for a librarian, but it's a reminder that they can't stay like this forever. They shift, letting go of each other. But some of the peace lingers. Before they can disengage entirely, Kaneki cups Hide's face. “I'm glad,” he says, “I wanted this to be one of the first places where I kissed you.”

Hide's face does a weird sort of cycle through expressions, but his smile breaks through despite his best efforts. “You're being all damn romantic right now and it's messing with my head,” he whispers, biting at his lip.

To think that just a little while ago, they'd been thinking only of _physical_ things. Well, that feeling is still there – going hand in hand with this, this softness – but it's on more of a back burner now. To the forefront, there's the intimate delight, the feeling of acceptance and tranquility, just from being in each other's presence. It's quite wonderful.

They should leave, but Kaneki wants to kiss Hide one more time. On the other side of the room, turned away from them, the librarian helps a kid pick a book off the shelves. Kaneki draws Hide around, to the end of the shelf – positioned between that and the window, nobody would stand a chance of seeing them unless they came right up to where they stood. And there Kaneki pulls Hide to himself and kisses him as achingly slowly as he possibly can.

Hide's tongue teases at his mouth and Kaneki opens up with a soft sigh and lets him slip inside. Hide draws that feeling back up through him, the same feeling he brought with his fingers on Kaneki's leg, in direct conflict with the wish to remain discreet in public, to not be seen – a line Kaneki finds he enjoys walking, more than he would have expected of himself, just a day ago. His hands knot in the hem of Hide's shirt and he arches into the kiss, makes a low sound in the back of his throat.

Hide pulls back. “Quiet,” he whispers, and returns their mouths together, and Kaneki's still getting kissed and it's a logical request anyway so he doesn't mind very much. Hide is going gently, _reaaally_ gently, and Kaneki is kinda all about that. The clumsy, soft strokes of his tongue quickly wear away any of Kaneki's resolve to leave anytime soon.

A hand at his jaw and suddenly everything's sharper, everything's better. Kaneki nearly forgets himself and makes a noise. The line Hide's thumb makes down his neck, the scrape of teeth against his lips – it's all _more_ , and Kaneki craves it. Hide withdraws from him for just a second, his dark eyes taking in Kaneki's face, relaxed and hazy-eyed with pleasure. Then he dips his head to Kaneki's neck.

 _Ah_ , no wonder Hide had been so out of it after the bathroom. His mouth, in that spot, finally awakens the burning desire in Kaneki that had been lurking all evening. Kaneki's whole body wants to curl inward, around that point where Hide's mouth meets his neck. Hide moves, kisses down his throat – and _licks_ , and Kaneki lets out a soft moan.

Hide's finger at his lips, warning him to be quiet. Without really thinking about it, Kaneki kisses it. Tastes it. Hide's mouth pauses on his neck. Kaneki's mouth opens. Carefully, he pulls Hide's finger between his lips.

Hide bites, and Kaneki moans again, muffled around Hide's finger in his mouth. He sucks the tip, licks it, draws it deeper. Hide's hand tastes slightly salty, but the taste fades quickly, and he finds he enjoys the texture of the skin against his tongue. Hide is being rougher with his neck now, scraping teeth and sucking and mouthing and Kaneki unconsciously mimics his roughness with his own mouth.

Hide freezes for a moment. “I feel like that should be weirder than it is,” he whispers faintly. “But –”

Kaneki opens his mouth for Hide's second finger, which has been resting on the corner of his mouth. Again, there's a salty flavor that quickly fades. He draws his tongue underneath the flat of the two, then pushes it between them. As he tongues that sensitive place where the fingers join, Hide gasps, and bites him again. Kaneki's imagination begins to spiral as he feels Hide's fingers brush the back of his throat. He sucks them deeper, feeling the nails against the roof of his mouth –

And Hide lifts his head. “Kaneki,” he hisses. “If you keep that up I'm going to be in a _very bad position_.”

Kaneki may or may not be approaching that same “position” as well. Oh, but he doesn't want to _stop_. Something he wasn't prepared for is the strength of … of the _needing_. The heat is compelling, all-consuming, and the fact that they're in the most sacred of public spaces doesn't do much to convince him he needs to wait. (Besides, the books won't mind. Several of them have contents very similar to the actions that the two of them participate in right now.)

But, knowing Hide's right, Kaneki lets Hide's fingers go with a soft, wet noise, and kisses his mouth. The kiss is wet, too, both of their mouths moist from saliva, but this time around it doesn't seem that gross – perhaps they're getting used to it, or better at it, or maybe they're just disgusting people.

“Uh.” Hide steps away. With an apologetic look at Kaneki, he wipes his hand on the hem of his shirt. Kaneki understands. He swallows a few times, and wipes his mouth, and puts an experimental hand to his neck.

“Is there –” Kaneki asks, gesturing to the area Hide's mouth had occupied, because he knows how these things can work. Hide peers at him.

“No,” he says, after a second. “Did you … want …?”

“No – no!” Kaneki can't cover his neck with anything, so if there _was_ something, he would have been in trouble. “Thanks – I mean, I, uh ...” His face is burning.

“Thanks,” Hide repeats, arching his eyebrows. “For …?”

“Never _mind_.”

Hide hides a laugh behind his hand, his shoulders shaking. Kaneki glares at him for a minute more, then Hide's laughter gets to him, and he relaxes, and laughs too.

Kaneki would kiss him, but Hide's standing a deliberate distance away, and he doesn't trust his self-control enough to cross it.

“So, uh,” Hide says eventually, “do you need to get a book or anything?”

Kaneki smiles, shaking his head. “No, I … just wanted to see the place.”

“... and that's exactly what you did,” Hide mumbles. “Absolutely nothing else.”

Kaneki's hand goes to his neck again.

The truth of what they'd just done begins to sink in, and he feels shame darken his blush. That was … absolutely inappropriate, not something he would have even considered himself capable of. He glances behind him, out of the window. Someone on the streets could have seen, looking in. Well, only if they had binoculars, but – they might have gotten the _idea,_ even without. He feels for a moment like … not himself, like someone dirty, improper.

But then Hide puts a hand on his arm, and he remembers who he was with, and it doesn't seem so bad. More … natural. More _right_. Of course he would have wanted to do that. He's with someone he trusts and l– likes, after all. And – another glance out the window – nobody _really_ saw, even if they _could_ have.

“Ready to go to the pharmacy, then?” Hide asks, straightening his shirt, and Kaneki nods.

 

* * *

 

The sky is the deep black-approaching blue of true dusk. In a few minutes, it will be completely dark out. The lights of the pharmacy on the street corner look white and sterile in the gloom. Hide and Kaneki step through the sliding doors and are doused instantly in air conditioning.

This is one of those places that's open all night long. Hide hooks a finger into Kaneki's sleeve as they make their way to the section of the store that sells what's on Hide's mother's list – some ointment thing, and more toothpaste. After a moment of thought, though, Hide's hand drops into Kaneki's. It's a very subtle, quick motion, and Kaneki holds back a surprised smile.

They walk past a few aisles, and then Hide picks one arbitrarily, to cross to the other end of the store. Nobody else is in this one, and Kaneki is glad for it. His eyes scan the shelves sightlessly, his mind on other things – specifically, the boy's hand clasped in his own.

And then his gaze catches on a _certain_ _item_.

Hide sees Kaneki seeing it, and follows his eyes, and then Kaneki jerks himself out of his hypnotized staring at it to see Hide looking as well. Hide swallows. He turns slowly to meet Kaneki's gaze.

Kaneki quickly wipes his face blank. Pretends as if the sight of the LUBE and CONDOMS hadn't affected him at all.

 _But, actually, that might be useful_ …

No, that would be _way_ too much, too fast.

Hide clears his throat. Clears his throat again. “Uh. Do you think we should –”

“I wasn't thinking that!” Kaneki blurts quickly. Then he realizes how that sounded, and buries his face in his hands.

There's a moment of silence. Then there's Hide giggling. “This is gonna be awkward no matter how I say it,” he says, holding the back of his wrist to his mouth. “Kaneki. You saw it. I saw it. We both thought the same thing. Do we need the _adult equipment_ or not?”

“Adult equipment,” Kaneki repeats, shaking his head. “Oh my God.”

“What else do you want me to call it? Lube and con--”

“ _Stop_ ...”

“So that's a no? It doesn't mean we have to do … anything, it would be just in case.”

Kaneki shakes his head several more times.

“Okay then, guy who was deepthroating my fingers a minute ago,” Hide says with a snicker. “So we don't need it. We'll move on.”

A glance at a nearby mirror – they like to stick mirrors on things in pharmacies – tells Kaneki he's red to the ears. “Wait,” he forces out, when Hide steps away. He hates himself. “... You're right.”

“Hmm? Didn't quite catch that, Mr. Mumble.”

Kaneki _hates_ himself. “You're _right_ ,” he repeats. “We should … we should probably … buy ...”

Hide makes a show of stopping in his tracks, and then flashes a grin, and marches back over.

“Okay,” he says. “Great. Size extra-extra large, of course?”

Kaneki ignores this. “Do we really need ...” Kaneki lowers his voice “ _condoms_? We're both virgins, right?”

Hide's hand finds the back of Kaneki's head, tipped close to his ear to whisper, and strokes his hair a bit. “Right … so no risk of STDs, or anything. I guess. Unless – you weren't, like, born with one, were you?”

“No – I don't think so?”

“Okay, well, me neither. And neither of us can get pregnant. So.”

“So just … the other thing, then,” Kaneki finishes. It's a relief to decide that. He can't believe Hide is speaking about this so openly.

Hide reaches for the shelf. He tilts a bottle towards them to read the label. “Look, this kind is raspberry flavored.”

“Ew.”

“I think you mean _delicious_. Wonder if you could put it on sandwiches?”

“ _No_ , Hide!” But Kaneki is swallowing laughter.

“Okay, okay. Let's just get some of this kind.” It brags a water-based formula and says nothing about a flavor. It's a small container, and cheap. A safe choice.

“Sure,” Kaneki says, his throat dry. It has just crossed his mind that they'll have to _give this to a cashier_ before they can get it out of here.

Hide just holds in his hand, which Kaneki thinks is way too conspicuous, so when they resume walking down the aisle he stays a few steps apart from Hide and refuses to look anywhere near the direction of what he's holding. “So it's toothpaste and foot cream next,” Hide reminds himself. “No, face cream. Wouldn't want to get those mixed up.” He's actually _humming_. Kaneki can't imagine how he can do that, while tension winds through every muscle of his own body.

They make their way through the rest of the store, picking up the needed items, and Kaneki view the approaching trip to the cashier's with brewing anxiety. “I can't use my mom's money for this,” Hide muses, as he flicks the toothpaste box absentmindedly against his forearm. “I ought to use my own.”

“Really?” Kaneki says. “You wouldn't use hers?” From the looks of what she gave Hide, there's enough.

“Nah, I'd feel bad,” Hide says. “Besides, it's not that expensive.”

“Hmm ...” If it was Kaneki's aunt, he wouldn't hesitate to use her money to buy himself something. But then again, he supposes that Hide's relationship with his mother is very different from his relationship with his aunt – there's mutual love and respect there, and trust. Hide wants to keep that trust, and she deserves it.

As they approach the register, Kaneki realizes he _can't_ face the cashier. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he says quickly, and Hide gives him a look of disbelief.

“Okay, go to the bathroom,” he says.

“No, really, I actually need to go,” Kaneki protests, his eyes sliding away from Hide's and his hand coming up to thumb at his chin. He digs into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled bunch of money, and sorts a Japanese bill out from the several American ones still mixed into the wad. “Here. We should share the cost. For the …” Hide accepts it with a grateful nod.

“Thanks,” he says, with a crooked, knowing smile. “Bathrooms are in the back. I'll meet you outside.”

Kaneki turns and quickly walks away, hoping that Hide won't reach the register before he can get out of sight.

 

* * *

 

 

Hide enjoys the momentary quiet as he waits for Kaneki to get out of the “bathroom.” The cashier hadn't blinked an eye at his purchase. Kaneki's just being socially awkward, as usual. It's kind of exasperating, but Hide likes him enough that he doesn't mind so much. And besides, it's nice to stand outside on a balmy evening, the humidity draining out of the air with the setting sun and a breeze through the trees turning the weather much more pleasant.

It's been … intense, so far. Hide runs a hand through his hair. Every moment with Kaneki can't help but escalate – and within those moments, Hide knows exactly what he wants: it's always _more_.

And yet.

Maybe Hide shouldn't have bought this _item_. It would have been something to keep them from going too far, something to make them stop and think before doing anything rash, if they got to it. He doesn't know if he could stop himself, if they ended up there. And, he has to face it, they _will_ end up there, if he's left alone in a locked room with Kaneki for any extended period of time.

They should talk about this.

Soon, while both of them still have their heads.

Hide is just working himself up to figuring out how to bring it up, when the door opens and Kaneki rides a wave of air conditioning out into the night. There's a moment of him peering into the gloom, eyes adjusting from the bright lights of the pharmacy, and then he catches Hide wiggling his fingers at him.

“Heya,” Hide says, taking his hand as he comes over. From the cool feel of it, Kaneki had indeed gone to the bathroom – or at least, washed his hands. “I got everything.”

“Did you put the – thing – into your pocket?” Kaneki asks, trying to peer into the plastic bag.

“No, why?”

“Well, your mom might expect you to just give the whole bag to her …”

Hide shrugs but nods, reaching into the bag and taking out the aforementioned _thing_.

“Quick, pocket,” Kaneki says, bouncing on his heels and looking around, and Hide laughs at him, but obliges.

They start for home, holding hands. Now that the transaction has been made and everything is safely tucked away, Kaneki seems a lot calmer. Hide finds himself watching his face, noting how his soft smile reaches his eyes.

“It's a nice night, isn't it?” Hide comments, and Kaneki tilts his head back. Hide copies him. The stars are beginning to come out.

“Really nice,” Kaneki says. He draws a breath, and Hide hears the movement of the air as it touches the inside of his mouth. “ _T_ _he stars shone coldly down, but their light could not reach him_ ,” Kaneki recites. He's quoting something. He does this not infrequently. “ _He was darkness itself – untouchable – and as he slunk through the fields nobody saw him go, although he passed several_ _farmhands_ _working still_.” He pauses, takes a breath, thinks. Then he smiles, shaking his head. “I can't remember what comes next, but I know it ends _and the night was his only friend_.”

Hide knows that boys aren't normally called _beautiful_ , but he thinks the word is what fits Kaneki best right now. “Is that from one of your macabre books?” he asks, and he remembers how Kaneki had looked in the library, face brimming with happiness. He'd been beautiful then, too.

“Mm. Takatsuki Sen's _Egg of the Black Goat_. I highlighted that part in my copy.”

“It sounds creepy.”

“It is. He's becoming more and more like a monster, following in his mother's footsteps. But, it's such a lovely description ...” Kaneki sighs.

Sometimes Hide thinks he understands Kaneki, knows him like the back of his hand. But then he says things like this, and Hide is reminded you can't ever really understand another person. He can't know how Kaneki's mind works, what beauty he finds in such dark things, what he feels when he reads those words. But, well, Hide knows how _he_ feels when Kaneki says them, so maybe he does understand, a little.

“Hide?” Kaneki asks, peering at him.

“Mm?”

“Um … oh, never mind.”

“No, what is it?”

Kaneki shakes his head. “Eh, nothing really. I just thought, wouldn't you normally tease me about liking that kind of stuff?”

Oh. Right, he normally would. Hide considers it. “I was … thinking,” he says. “About you, and how saying that was so like you … I guess that's a difference between us being friends and us – dating.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaneki dares to ask.

Hide shrugs. “I don't know. It's just a little thing.” It's not that he suddenly feels the need to understand Kaneki, where he didn't before. It's that the lack of understanding – the surprise – now delights him. “I like it when you talk about literature.”

“Do you?” Kaneki smiles. “You didn't before. I think I'm okay with that difference.”

“Don't do it too much, though.”

“Okay.”

They're still holding hands, and all at once pure wonder at that fact strikes them, so they go silent, to think about that. That, the newness of the feelings between them. What's changed. What's changed – for the first time, the idea that things might have changed for the better, and continue to change for the better, seems like a real prospect.

“I think we should go to bed early tonight,” Hide says reflectively. “Like, as soon as we get home.”

Kaneki yawns in agreement. “Might be a good idea,” he says.

Hide looks at him sidelong. “Of course, I'd like to say goodnight first.” Kaneki raises an eyebrow. “And that might take a little while,” Hide clarifies, and watches with pleasure as Kaneki colors, realizing Hide's meaning. “I hope you won't mind me keeping you up for a bit.”

“I – think that would be all right,” Kaneki says slowly, biting the inside of his cheek. “Just … not _too_ late.”

Hide knows what he means. “Not a problem,” he says. “We'll have you safe and sound asleep in good time.”

“Good plan,” Kaneki says, and gives Hide one of those shy blush-smiles Hide can't resist.

He leans in, hesitates a second, then touches his mouth to Kaneki's cheek. Just a little thing, but Kaneki sighs. Hide wants to do more, but it will have to wait. Instead, he picks up his pace, knowing they're only two blocks from his apartment.

They really haven't had much time alone all evening. They were either in public or interrupted, every time. A persistent, frustrated feeling has been growing under Hide's skin, harder and harder to resist every time. He's suddenly desperate to get Kaneki into his room.

They reach the apartment. Hide steers Kaneki by the elbow towards the hall, setting the bag of pharmacy purchases (minus the contents of his pocket) on the table.

“Hey, boys, thanks,” his mother says, from the sofa. The TV is on, flickering white-blue light over the side of her face, turned to look at them. “Hideyoshi, you can keep the change if you like.”

“Al _right!_ ”

Mutual trust. Hide had suspected all along that she would let him keep the change, so it wouldn't matter how he bought the _thing_ , but it was the more the symbolism of money that made him use his own in the first place.

“So, up for some TV?” Hide's mother is asking.

“Nah,” Hide says.

“I'm going to bed,” Kaneki explains apologetically.

“Oh, that's right, you'll be tired,” Hide's mother says, nodding. “Well, I wouldn't ask you to stay up. But it was nice to see you, Kaneki dear.”

Kaneki looks over his shoulder as Hide all but drags him from the room, giving Hide's mother a strained smile. “Thank you for dinner and for letting me stay over!” he says quickly, and then he's yanked from view.

“Don't be obvious,” Kaneki says under his breath, as Hide tries not to walk too fast back to his room. Anticipation has him on his toes, almost stumbling as he tugs Kaneki forward.

“She doesn't care,” Hide assures him, equally quietly. There's the door. The metal mechanism of the knob clunks inside the handle as he wrenches it around. And then Kaneki's in his room, and Hide's in his room with him, and the door is closing. Closed.

Hide's chest rises and falls, a single, silent sigh. “So,” he says, with a grin that's a mix of humor and excitement. “We're alone.”

Faint music swells from the TV. His mother won't be able to hear anything from inside the room.

Kaneki, meanwhile, is rolling his eyes. “You cheese.”

“ _Cheese?_ That's kind of an _old_ insult,” Hide observes.

They're toe to toe, and then hands are on shoulders and mouth is on mouth – simple as that. Hide experiences the oddest feeling of tension releasing, and tension building, at the exact same time. Both boys sigh identical sighs of – relief, gratitude? – as they open to each other, the separation from each other having been nearly unbearable. But it's not a sense of fulfillment – just _rightness_ , as if this is exactly where each of them ought to be – but there's still more, still more to do, still closer to be.

It's frustratingly brief. Hide doesn't want to stop kissing him, but he has to, or they'll be here all night and nothing will get done. “I should get an extra bed thing ready,” he groans, reluctantly putting a little distance between himself and Kaneki.

There's a moment, a brief moment, when Kaneki looks all dazed and heavy-lidded and yielding and Hide sucks in a breath and wants him terribly. Then Kaneki blinks. “Oh, okay,” he says, and swallows. He looks at Hide's mouth quite obviously and leans in a little, and Hide feels the coolness of his exhale.

It feels like something's been yanked from him when Kaneki doesn't kiss him. Instead, he steps away, leaving air to rush in where he once pressed against Hide's front. Hide clenches his jaw against the urge to _grab_ him, haul him close and let him know just to what degree that move was not okay – but he doesn't.

“I should … also …” Kaneki says, sounding distracted. He shakes his head to clear it. “I should get into my pajamas, while you do that.”

“Okay.”

A moment of hesitation, of burning eye contact, and then they turn away from each other. Hide goes to his closet, hauling out an armful of heavy blankets, and Kaneki makes his way to his suitcase. Making up a mattress is harder work than you'd think it would be, and the temperature of the room is still a little warmer than comfortable. Hide pushes his sleeves to his elbows, then bends over the pile.

“I'll … change in the bathroom,” Kaneki says. Hide nods absently. Bare feet cross the edge of his vision, and then the door opens and closes softly.

Sheets go on first. Hide presses his hands against the back of his neck after that's done, wondering exactly how many blankets Kaneki will need. It's warm … but the temperature could drop during the night … He decides on one middle-weight blanket. Just as he's lifting the end of the mattress to put it on, Kaneki pushes the door open.

Hide drops the mattress quickly and goes to him, because Kaneki is showing a lot of skin and Hide is definitely about that. He wears just a wide-necked tank top and shorts, and the first thing Hide does is run a hand up bare skin from his elbow to his shoulder to his neck to his jaw and rub his thumb across his lips, before replacing it with his mouth.

Kaneki makes a soft noise as the kiss finishes. “All done?” he asks, glancing toward the bed.

“Yeah … should probably change into my pajamas too,” Hide says unenthusiastically.

Something in Kaneki's eyes goes sharp, unfamiliar. “No,” he says, to Hide's surprise, and his hand pressed to Hide's side fists in the fabric of his shirt. “You shouldn't.”

“Wh-why?” Hide stammers, as Kaneki leans the full length of his body into Hide, arching forward, and Hide recognizes the breathless tension before a kiss.

“Because I like you in that shirt,” Kaneki whispers, and the kiss goes from gentle and closemouthed to _hot_ and _with tongue_ almost immediately.

Hide hadn't expected it to go like this. Kaneki is pushing him, pushing him backwards, walking him across the floor and he almost stumbles on the mattress he'd just set up, stepping precariously over it and Kaneki's weight keeps him off balance so when the back of his calves hit his own bed he half-falls into it. He hadn't expected Kaneki to take such a lead, to kiss him so heatedly, to straddle his lap and ease him backwards until he's forced to catch himself on his elbows and his neck starts to ache from the angle before Kaneki slides a hand behind his head to take the strain off, and to pull him into more kisses.

He hadn't expected Kaneki to dominate him – and he certainly hadn't expected to _like_ it.

Hide's head spins from surprise and pleasure and the sudden heat of it all, his body completely under the control of the urges he feels. He feels tightness in his pants and can't bring himself to feel embarrassment, too distracted and caught up by how good it all feels. Kaneki's hand curling in his hair, the other gripping his collar, his mouth deliciously urgent on Hide's.

Kaneki is fighting with his button again. He gets it faster this time, Hide thinks dazedly, as Kaneki's fingers trace his collarbones. “You should wear it like this from now on,” Kaneki says, his breathing ragged. Hide just moans, opening his mouth and Kaneki's tongue slides in and he sighs and leans onto one elbow to use the other arm to grip Kaneki closer. His fingers rake down Kaneki's back, blunt through his shirt, find the hem, slide up underneath. Kaneki makes a surprised noise and pulls away. They hold eye contact for an instant – Hide asking permission, Kaneki frozen in place and then his eyes close and his hands find Hide's second button and his face finds his neck. Hide exhales and breathes as Kaneki makes him warm all over and undoes his second button. Then his third. After the fourth, his collar flops open wide enough for Kaneki to press experimental kisses along his collarbone toward his shoulder, then back and up his throat. Hide gasps, sighs, moans, digs his fingers into Kaneki's back. A thought occurs, hazy and indistinct. He grasps for it. It takes a few tries, but he gets it eventually.

“I thought – you said – you like me _in_ the shirt,” he says, as Kaneki opens his fifth and sixth buttons. Kaneki's fingers pause on the last one.

“I do,” he breathes, into the crook of Hide's neck. “But. I would also like to take you out of it.”

With that, he undoes the final button and sits back. Hide blows out a shaky breath and props himself up again, and for a moment it's all quiet. Kaneki stares openly at Hide, hovering a hand over his chest – not touching, but close, close enough that Hide can feel the faint heat from his hand against his suddenly chilled skin. His eyes track the quickened rise and fall of Hide's stomach. Hide feels a little embarrassed, until Kaneki leans slowly back in, his lips touching Hide's mouth at the same time his hand settles over Hide's heart.

The hand rests for a second and then slides up, to Hide's shoulder, and the other one joins it opposite. Kaneki slips Hide's shirt off his shoulders, and then Hide has to sit up, to get it off his arms, and Kaneki lays the fabric carefully to one side and then lowers the two of them down again.

They're lying perpendicular to the orientation of Hide's bed, so Hide's not too surprised when the top of his head knocks gently against the wall. “O-oh. We should –” he says, breaking the moment, and then there's soft laughter from both of them. Kaneki climbs off of him, and Hide scoots backwards and flips around on the bed.

It's clear, now that they're separated, that both of them are in that Interesting State that happens sometimes to people with penises. Hide feels strange looking at Kaneki's for too long, so he returns his eyes to Kaneki's face quickly. Kaneki has an odd look in his eye again. His gaze flicks up and down Hide's body, thoughtful.

“Come back up,” Hide urges softly, patting the bed, and Kaneki climbs back on top of him, straddling him just like he had before. He's still staring at Hide in a way that intimidates him just a little. He adjusts himself in a way that makes Hide's breath catch, his hardness obvious with his legs spread – and then Kaneki reaches for the hem of his own shirt.

Kaneki Ken is sitting on Hide's lap and taking off his shirt.

He does it in a pretty sexy way, too – well, hard to do something like that in _not_ a sexy way, but still. He draws up the hem and Hide can see his stomach flexing and he'd say something but it would come out a croak. The shirt comes off with a roll of his shoulders and a graceful motion of his arm that casts the top to the floor. Just drops it. It's gone. Hide is very, very turned on.

Kaneki turns back to him, lips slightly parted and eyes hazy and intense. He bends forward. It's a slow, controlled kind of bend – like the kind you do when you do the splits in gym class, and Hide is _so_ into this. Kaneki lowers himself on top of Hide and breathes out, breath ghosting over his face, and then kisses him. Soft and sweet, the most innocent kind of kiss you could imagine.

It does nothing to prepare Hide for the slow, tentative roll of Kaneki's hips.

Hide makes a sound – _loud_. Kaneki's is more quiet, but somehow the noise he makes seems all the dirtier for it – a little moan, soft, eager, and he kisses Hide harder, and rolls his hips again.

It's _incredible_. Hide wants this – he wants this so badly, and now that he's getting it, all he wants is _more_.

But.

With effort (mental effort, not physical), Hide grabs Kaneki's shoulder. Kaneki freezes, pulling back a little. “Hide,” he says, and _oh_ his face … “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” Hide says. “I'm fine … just.” He wavers, uncertain. “Don't you think …?”

Kaneki waits. Hide takes a moment to pull his thoughts together. “It hasn't … been that long,” Hide whispers. “Shouldn't we … think about this?”

But he doesn't want to think. He wants Kaneki. He _shakes_ , with how badly he wants him.

“We can stop if you want,” Kaneki whispers back, but Hide sees the reluctance on his face.

“No!” Hide says quickly. Their noses almost knock together. Hide's arm has jerked, tugging him closer. “I mean … I just want to be sure.”

Kaneki draws a shaky breath. There is a pause. “It's not … sex,” he says, carefully. “Pants stay on.”

“Okay,” Hide agrees. The silence stretches out.

“Do you still want to continue?” Kaneki prods.

“Shit,” Hide says. Shit. He does. But …

But what? “Oh, fuck it, _yes,_ ” Hide groans. He pulls Kaneki's head back down, kissing him roughly. Kaneki kisses back just as hard, and it's imperfect, bruising, but it's the contact they crave.

Hips slide together, and the grinding pressure is back, muted through fabric, but still very good. To be perfectly honest, this isn't the first time Hide has tried to get off this way. From previous experience he's discovered – it's more about pressure than friction, pressure and finding the right angle. He groans as Kaneki drives his hips down again, half in pleasure, half frustration. They've _almost_ lined up right, but not _quite_. Hide lifts his own hips to meet Kaneki when he tries again, and it's not quite as good, but the _next_ time both of them gasp in unison because _that's_ it, right _there_ , and Hide grabs Kaneki's ass and holds him in that very right place and he grinds down again.

Oh. Oh, God.

“Kaneki – _aah_ , _Ken_ , oh my – you're –” The first name slips out, on the tip of his tongue all evening. Kaneki isn't so verbal, but he continues making filthy little sounds that draw Hide to his mouth again and again.

Heat is building, a searing, consuming heat but the _pace_ of it isn't fast enough – or it's too fast – at any rate, it can't build quite the way Hide wants it to, but it's still so much and he's so desperate for it and the bed creaks beneath them as they shove into each other desperately, shamelessly, trying to get the most satisfying feeling. Hide puts his hand between them and feels Kaneki's length through his shorts and is rewarded by the most desperate-sounding gasp he has ever heard from any person, ever. They lose rhythm for a moment but _when they get it back_ Hide feels pleasure overwhelming him and he thinks that this might just be enough.

A sudden moment of clarity hits. If they keep up like this, things are going to get messy, very soon. Hide almost voices that aloud, but he can't bring himself to say anything that would make this delicious feeling stop, and so he throws himself back into it and lets the heat overwhelm all thought.

And messy it gets.

First Hide, moaning and lying back and feeling his head flip to the side and the muscles in his body clench and burn. Kaneki almost immediately after, with a deep groan, and when he throws himself down onto Hide, Hide can feel his body shaking.

They catch their breath, and in the silence they can hear the murmur of the TV in the living room.

Kaneki is the first to speak. “Oh ...”

Hide knows what he means. Oh. Oh, that was nice. Oh, that one had been building up for a while. Oh, we've known each other since elementary school, and we just got off together.

The weirdness of that thought wars with the idea that that just now was not _enough_ , that he needs more closeness, skin on skin – and strangely the two conflicting ideas almost cancel each other out, leaving him with some semblance of sexual satisfaction. It's not the bone-deep feeling of fulfillment that comes from the best of orgasms – and it's not the best orgasm he's ever had – but at least for now, he doesn't feel any pressing urge to do more.

Hide lifts a hand and the tips of his fingers brush along Kaneki's skin. Kaneki shivers, and Hide repeats the motion, lightly petting up and down his spine, until he feels Kaneki's muscles relax fully, and he presses his mouth to Hide's shoulder. “Ah … that happened,” Kaneki mumbles, lips brushing skin.

“Sure did,” Hide says, and they share a quiet, slightly awkward laugh.

Kaneki picks himself up gingerly. “Ugh,” he says, looking down. Sticky. “ _Ugh_. I think I'm going to have to change.”

Yeah, Hide is the same. He can't bring himself to regret not stopping things, but it's certainly uncomfortable to have to deal with afterward.

They climb slowly off the bed and totter over to their respective sources of clean clothing. Hide gets out a fresh pair of underwear and his pajamas from the dresser and shuts the drawer. “I'll change in the bathroom,” he says. “You can just ...”

He goes quietly, guiltily afraid his mother will hear that they haven't gone immediately to sleep, as they made her think they would – and maybe even suspect what they were actually up to, although that's an entirely irrational fear. He winces as he shuts the door, and gets to changing in the cramped space as quickly as he can.

There's not much … stuff … on his pants, which is fortunate – most of it stayed in his underwear. He holds the fabric under the sink for a second, washing out the worst of the mess, then wrings it out and, after a moment of hesitation, hangs the wet cloth over the shower curtain. His mother doesn't often use this bathroom. Hopefully, he'll remember to grab it before she sees.

He climbs into new underwear and puts on pajamas, feeling a little cleaner. Spiritually cleaner. There's a bit of oddness to the aftermath of sex – or, well, sexual activity. A bit of discomfort. He supposes it's to be expected, given how highly stigmatized sex as a concept is, and given how long he and Kaneki have been platonic, and how quickly their relationship built … without irresistible desire spurring him along, he can't quite get used to the thought that _it happened_.

But he has time.

He tiptoes back to their room – well, _his_ room, it's not _their_ room – and shuts the door as softly as he can behind him. When he turns around, he's momentarily immobilized by the sight that awaits him.

Kaneki is in his bed. And … it's not just that he's _in_ his bed. He lies on his back, the sheets tangled around him, his top back on but looking disheveled all the same. Hide's light lavender shirt rests partly on his chest, partly on the bed, the sleeve clutched in one of his hands. A hand that's suspiciously close to his nose. His eyes open when Hide enters the room, and he fixes him with a sleepy, comfortable look. No, it's not just that he's in Hide's bed. He's _enjoying_ Hide's bed.

“Hey,” Hide says, his voice going funny.

“Hey,” Kaneki says, stretching slightly, and motioning at Hide with a lazy hand. “Come here.”

Hide does, tossing aside the jeans tucked under his arm. He crosses to Kaneki, and bends closer. “Yeah?”

“ _Here_ ,” Kaneki repeats insistently, patting the bed next to him.

Hide looks at it, then shrugs. He climbs up and lies down next to Kaneki, who promptly puts his arms around him and nuzzles his face into his chest and inhales. “You smell nice,” he whispers.

“H-huh?” Hide splutters, blushing.

“Mmm.”

Kaneki's hands bring him closer, determined, pressing them together. It's very pleasant to be facing him like this. He scoots down until their heads are level with each other.

They kiss, brief and soft. When it's finished Kaneki pulls back with a little sigh, and closes his eyes. Hide watches him, reaching up to brush his hand along Kaneki's face. His jaw, cheek, nose … lightly, Hide touches two fingers to each of his closed eyelids. “Are you just going to stay like this?” he asks, when Kaneki continues to not move, his breathing deep and even.

“Mm … hmm ...” Kaneki says, giving a sleepy almost-nod.

“Oh. Okay. Are you going to sleep?”

“Yes …”

Hide would point out that he made up the other mattress specially for Kaneki, but he really actually doesn't mind this arrangement in the slightest. “Hey,” he says after a minute, nudging at Kaneki's arm. “Let me get the light off, at least?”

“Hmm … trying to make me jealous?”

Hide doesn't get it for a second, and then he does, and makes a weird snorting sound. That was _really_ unexpected. Kaneki makes dirty jokes about once in a thousand years. But then again, Hide supposes, he'd be in the right mindset for it now more than ever. “That was _terrible_ ,” he complains as he extracts himself and gets up off the bed. It's the highest compliment. The corners of Kaneki's mouth tug upward.

Hide turns off the light. In the dark, the room suddenly seems quieter. Out in the living room he can still hear the TV on, and in his bed he can hear Kaneki shifting.

He nearly trips over the mattress on the floor on the way back to bed. “Shit,” he mutters, and hears Kaneki's quiet laughter.

Hide wouldn't normally be quite ready to go to sleep yet, but as he climbs into bed he thinks that he doesn't really mind it like this. It's unspeakably pleasant, to get into bed next to another warm body, to tuck himself comfortably around Kaneki and feel his breath against his neck.

They lie still, breathing together.

It's more difficult to fall asleep than Hide expected, and what's more surprising is that Kaneki also doesn't drop off immediately. Because of their proximity, the wanting slowly begins to grow again – a softer, more muted version – and then the kissing starts up. It's gentle, and then it begins to get more intense, and then hands press against chests and force distance between them and there's a whispered agreement to stop and sleep.

Nobody had told him how hard it was going to be to resist a warm body beside him. Their resolve holds for a while, but neither of them can get comfortable and eventually the same thing happens again.

This time they agree they _really_ need to stop and sleep, and both of them turn away from each other, curling up on their sides, backs pressed together. It's decidedly less pleasant, thinks Hide, not holding Kaneki in his arms, but he supposes he feels more able to get to sleep this way.

Sharing a bed with someone else takes some getting used to, they will learn. But they will get better at it eventually. They have time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ~20k and i don't think i even got to the punchline with this one. this is the most pointless fic honestly


End file.
